Confessions Of a Former Bartender
by sachi-sama
Summary: Because even if suicide isn't enough for forgiveness, it's a hell of a start.


_This is the product of my addiction...to Shizaya...I finished my long fic of them and I just HAD to work with them again! This is an angsty one-shot I cooked up when I was listening to my ipod. I'll do a fluffy one-shot to counteract this one a little later. Enjoy~!_

_Confessions of a former bartender._

My name is Shizuo Heiwajima. I have a few things I need to confess...before I leave you all. I really don't have an excuse for the things I do, or the way I act. I have no reason to beg for forgiveness for the things I've done. But I can't leave the way things are now. I just can't.

If you ever know anything about me, know that I fucking hate violence. If I could be one of those people who avoid it, I would. Fuck what's that called...? Oh, pacifist. Damn flea is the one who keeps up with those fancy words.

Izaya Orihara started this bullshit. He is the reason for this confession. The reason I can't leave yet. He is the reason I'm a sorry sack of shit. He's _everything. _I hate him. I fucking hate him! And yet...

It started in high school. I saw him, and it was an instant hatred I can't even begin to describe to you. Don't act so high and mighty about it. Like _you've _never hated someone before. Besides, it wasn't just me. He hated me too. We just had one of those bad first meetings...and a bad second...and...well, 8 years.

Before I knew it, he was a piece of permanence in my ever-changing life. I went to school every day just knowing he would do something to me. That's just the kind of fucker he is. Damn Izaya. Damn flea.

And it became routine for us, you know? He would start something, I would react. He would run, I would chase. It was a game. A big messed up game. And before I knew it...I realized it was more than just hate.

The first time...Our first encounter...I won't lie. Alcohol had a major influence on both of us. I can't even remember most of that night. But I can tell you I fucked him. And I can tell you he loved every minute of it.

After that night, we changed. Or at least, we tried to. We couldn't shake off the hatred though. Izaya had a much easier transition than me. I was still afraid of hurting people. I was afraid of messing things up. He convinced me that I could never truly hurt him, because he would never let me catch him. I believed him, because I had never actually laid a scratch on him before...I was so naïve...

Graduation really changed things. My various job searches began, and he had his steady job that made way more money than any of mine. Of course, he did dirty work, but at least he had money. That was the first kink of our relationship.

Then he started working those long hours. You know the kind where he goes out when the sun is up and doesn't come home until the sun is about to rise again? Yeah, that kind of long hours. I was livid. I assumed he was cheating. If we even had a relationship, he was cheating. And I was reminded of my hatred for him.

The black day...the fucking darkest day...he told me he loved me. He told me that like it was as easy as breathing, and for whatever reason, I snapped. I could blame it on the full bottle of whiskey I was working on, but really it was only because I'm a monster.

That's all I've ever been.

So, that's the reason I'm up here. I'm trying to make amends for the pain I've caused this man. This raven I love so much. This red eyed genius that never left my side. Even now, when we're on the roof of Sunshine 60, he's here beside me.

I can't touch him though. I haven't been able to for a long time. He won't let me.

His carmine eyes watch me go toward the edge of the building. He moves with me. I lean over a little, and he places a hand on my shoulder. He asks what I'm doing. Isn't it fucking obvious?

I'm making amends.

He laughs. He _really _laughs. It's only when the laughter stops that I realize there are tears. And how I want to touch him...to tell him I never meant it...to tell him how I love him.

He wouldn't believe me anyway.

He nuzzles his head into my shoulder blades, and he tells me he loves me.

I already knew that though. Stupid flea.

Then, he says even suicide won't be enough to make amends.

Like I didn't already know that too.

I look over my shoulder at his face, his beautiful face, and I tell him how I let my anger win. How it's not just about him anymore, but about me too. How I can't live with myself, knowing I killed him.

Because I killed him. Like the mother fucking monster I am. I snapped his neck like a twig.

He wraps his arms around my waist and tells me it's alright. It's not alright.

He tells me the mistake will wash away in time. It won't.

Then he tells me that he never cheated. How he worked late so that I wouldn't stress so much from getting fired from my bartender job. This makes my eyes sting.

Because he truly loved me. And I ended it with one moment of fury.

I really am a monster...

Then I capture his lips briefly...or at least the ghost of his lips. He's cold and dark. Much like me. I know I can only touch him because I am close to death.

That's what I want though.

The wind picks up around me as I lunge forward. It feels like flying, but at a straight down angle. And for some reason, I'm afraid to look over my shoulder. My eyes are locked on the upcoming ground because...I'm terrified.

What if I imagined him there? What if the Izaya I knew, even as annoying as he was, somehow managed to pass on to Heaven? What if I had some sort of delusion and killed myself, just to go to Hell and be separated from him anyway?

Even though I'm scared, I look over my shoulder. He's there, watching me. He's crying. I can see it from down here. I relax...I breathe out. It's almost over.

So, I'm Shizuo Heiwajima, and I'm a monster in every way. I can never forget the things I've done, or wash the blood off my hands. Even if suicide isn't enough for forgiveness, it's a hell of a start.

I managed to find someone willing to look past my anger problems, but I fucked it up. I fuck everything up. Really, this was the only option.

Funny how when you're about to die, things finally make some goddamn sense.

Oh! And I'm sorry to everyone in Ikebukuro for having to put up with me. I'm sorry to Kasuka for failing. I'm sorry to Shinra and Celty for being so ungrateful to them. I'm sorry to everyone I've ever hurt, on purpose or by accident.

But most of all, I'm sorry to Izaya. Izaya...Izaya..._Izaya! _

I'll be with you soon… I'll be-

.

.

.

The ground comes much too quickly.


End file.
